Dare I say it?

Dare I say that I am beginning to wonder if John was just a figment of my imagination? I have become so complacent in my widowhood that I sometimes wonder if he even existed. Yes, his side of the bed is now occupied by our dog. And I am quite sure that John is rolling in his grave, or urn possibly, at that fact because our little poochie was not allowed on the bed. But, I just couldn’t sleep alone at first. So, I started to let the doggie in bed with me. Then it turned into a nightly habit. So now, my best friend sleeps in John’s side of the bed. So, his side of the bed is not empty….

He is always the last thought when I fall asleep at night, always. But, he is no longer the first thing that I think of when I wake up in the morning. And I hate that. I hate that John is not the first thing on my mind anymore. Some mornings he is, but not every morning like he used to be.

I am reminded of him when I look at pictures and wonder where he is. It takes me a minute to realize that he is dead. But, sometimes when I look at pictures of him, I have to wonder to myself if he was real or just a wonderful dream? Life goes on, who knew at the end of 2009 I would be sitting here without him thinking that he was just a dream?


About widow44

I am a middle aged widow that tragically lost her husband at the end of 2009. I decided to start blogging to write about my grief and my healing.
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